It’s important for me to post now, at the peak of my crisis. Some of you think I have my life together and all my ducks in a row, which makes me laugh. I’m as dysfunctional as the next 20-something, I just do things a little differently. For example, I’ve spent the last 48 hours (emphasizing the last 10) almost numb from the tornado of emotions I’ve been feeling. I’m overwhelmed to say the least. And here I sit, in Newark Liberty International Airport, convincing myself to follow my feet. It’s time to shit or get off the pot–and boys and girls, this is the biggest dump I’ve ever taken.
Leaving my friends and family behind is hard enough, but watching my mom cry as I left nearly broke my heart. I’m a big girl, but I love my mommy…and I needed comfort so badly that my teddy bear is making the journey with me. This is everything I’ve wanted for a while now. I’ve had to make sacrifice after sacrifice to get where I am now and here I am, freaking the fuck out. I guess my point here is that just because you’re scared or nervous or second guessing yourself doesn’t mean that it isn’t the right thing. When you were more lucid and thinking clearly, this was what you wanted. Your mind will jump into survival mode and play tricks on your wants and needs. Be confident in your choices because you made them for a reason.

It’s so hard to take your own advice.

At some point the tears are going to have to run out or I’m going to give up on the second guessing and nerves because the ball is rolling, the contract is signed and I’m about to board a plane. Fear will subside and a sense of adventure will settle in. Nerves will turn to wanderlust and fear will become excitement. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t praying that switch comes soon.

Waiting is always the hardest part and the wait is finally over.

I wouldn’t be able to leave my last post in good faith without adding a few things I’ve missed. Many, many people–affiliate of this particular group or not–have approached me for what I’ve written. I stand by every word, however, I need you all to realize that this sentiment is not all-encompassing. In every group of people there are some misguided souls and bad seeds, but quite often those people are the minority. This is no different. Many (MANY) of the people in this particular group at Silver Bay have become friends whose hearts, thoughts and friendship matter deeply to me. These are people who give themselves for others, who do all they can to make other people feel loved, even when they are in need of loving themselves.

It  pains me to know that I’ve hurt these people by my words on here. I’m simply trying to understand some of the rules and practices that sound just so wrong to me, and I’m venting about things I’ve felt have changed. I KNOW that those of you I’ve let into my life and have reciprocated love for would NEVER judge me, my choices, or push your beliefs onto me. But you know that there are some people in your group, some bad seeds, that muddy the beautiful image you represent for your group. I want you all to know that as individuals, you are strong, good-willed, beautiful human beings and I cherish our friendship. Unfortunately, when writing about a group, quite often a sweeping generalization is the more respectable way to go about starting the conversation. Pointing fingers publicly isn’t my style. If you want a play by play of the good, bad and ugly, I’ll be in-country for a week and a half. Please come find me.

I hope those of you who are part of this group, who I love and respect, can respect the fact that I’m standing by what I’ve said. I never intended to hurt anyone I love, but these are MY beliefs, thoughts and questions, and I need you to respect them as I do yours. I apologize if what was said implied that I didn’t respect you, your choices or beliefs; that was certainly not my intent. But maybe, if you can just try to see it from my side, maybe you can help reel those rogue souls in. I would hate to see a group of wonderful humans vanish from campus because of a few (honestly, it’s mostly men) who make people outside that group feel judged and uncomfortable. Maybe, instead of focusing on the rest of the world, the judgement and conversation should be turned inward to this group. Even just one conversation can be an eye-opener.

I am a sinner, yes, but I am not a sin. I honestly couldn’t care less what most people think of me. I got over that shit a long time ago. But for the people that DO care and who ARE spiritual and religious, outside this group, think about how they feel being told that they’re wrong and they’re going to hell…even if their church tells them different. I implore EVERYONE in ALL situations to play devil’s advocate and look at issues from all sides, including (and especially) the ones you staunchly disagree with.

In closing, some of the best friends I’ve made this summer are part of this group or are otherwise deeply spiritual and I do not mean to imply that they are the “problem” here. They are beautiful human beings who have taught me so much, who I am lucky to know. I love you beautiful people and I’m sorry that I’ve hurt you.

The goodbyes have already begun. And I think today I’ve already cried five times. It’s only going to get worse and I know that. I kind of feel bad for the people that will be around me for the next 23 days (HOLY SHIT 23 DAYS) because I’m going to rollercoaster through all the feels. The excitement, nervousness, sadness, anxiety, and all the different ways I can express the love I have for all I’m about to do, the support I’ve received and continue to receive, and for all the people I’m going to miss like crazy.

If I’m being honest, I’ve never left Silver Bay with dry eyes. I feel closest to my father on this campus and each time I drive away I leave a little part of me here. This time the tears are starting even earlier than I wanted them to, but I can’t (and won’t) lie about how I’m feeling. In 23 days I will be on a plane bound for Seoul. From there I’ll travel South to my orientation where I’ll be for a week+ and then I’ll settle into my apartment in Gwangju. In moments like these, where I’m happy with my friends and feeling an overwhelming sense of “home”, I question my motivation for leaving. But if I’m being really, truly honest, this amazing sense of home wouldn’t have happened without my decision to leave.

Had I not traveled to China, met amazing people, quit my job, made some really tough decisions and been brave enough to fly solo a while, I wouldn’t be at the bay right now. I wouldn’t have met these incredible people I can now call my friends, and will hopefully, one day, call my family. Yeah, ok, leaving people you love is hard. Obviously. But without moving in the direction my heart has called I would never had the chance to love these beautiful humans. With all of our imperfections and fucked up-ness. Our outbursts and mood swings. Our quirks and all the perfectly incredible flaws that fit together like a big human puzzle. The thought of this wonderful chapter of my life closing is overwhelming and almost too much to bear, but I know that I’m better off having come here, making the connections I have, and leaving with those people in my heart and mind than if I’d never come at all.

I’m going to miss the late night/early morning turnovers, the smell of Spengler, the stars at night, the spiders that are literally everywhere, my gross bug bites, night swimming (both clothed and unclothed), the fear I feel walking past Hebron and Paine Hall, the often gut-wrenching meals, the comfort of being in sweats (for my job) and without makeup everyday, and so much more. I’m going to miss breathing this Adirondack mountain air so deep that it triggers memories of my dad and I when I was younger. Fuck, man. I’m gonna miss it all. Bring on the waterworks.

Now that a month has passed and Early Crew is over, I wanted to check in here and give an update on what I’ve been up to these last few weeks. I’ve never been a part of Early Crew at Silver Bay before, but I’m so happy I came early and spent an extra month here. Because there were so few of us on campus, I’ve developed incredible relationships with some people that I would have (probably) never known otherwise. If you are reading this, thank you for all the love you have shared with me over the last few weeks. You are all amazing people and I’m grateful to have spent such meaningful time with you. (Especially that trip to divers – that was bomb)

Another debatably great part about Early Crew is the range of jobs you may experience over those first few weeks. I’ve worn many hats and while I have enjoyed some jobs more than others, I have certainly learned from each opportunity. That time also reminded me that it’s not necessarily the job you are doing, but the people you are working with that make it fun. (Am I right, Rebecca Lynn??) Here are some of my totally awesome (and sometimes wtf-worthy) jobs/tasks during early crew:

I spent a lot of time at housekeeping, making beds and cleaning:

And sitting on some beds, like the Princess and the Flea (lets be real, a flea is more likely than a pea)

And that time I cleaned a urinal:

Those few times at the boathouse:

Painting and scraping paint:

I taught my first (and second) yoga class:

Planted lots of gardens:

Played Katniss at Archery:

And I even stripped bark off of cedar logs for new railings at the boathouse:

Not pictured: Facilitating/belaying at the climbing wall.

Surprisingly, I thoroughly enjoyed stripping bark. It was very strange, however, because when the bark came off, the wood underneath is warm and wet, slimy even. It almost made me feel guilty for tearing the tree’s “skin” off its “body”. 

I digress. The real magic here is inside the amazing people, my only friends for those few weeks. They supported me, included me, laughed and cried with me, and I will forever be grateful for our time together and I know I can’t look back at those memories in any way but fondly. Cheers to our weird little family of misfits!

A few days ago the remaining EMPs arrived, and this weekend we officially kick off summer alongside the largest wedding we’ve possibly ever had, as well as the solstice. As more people arrived, I was contemplating some things. First, holy shit I leave the country in two months. Second, enjoy every second you have on this campus because it’s already flying by; and third, it feels like the right time and space to spread my father’s ashes. Yes, I’m still FREAKING OUT at the fact that in two short months the next year of my life will begin in Asia, but Silver Bay helps to remind me of my strengths as well as my faults, and I know that when I leave here I will leave prepared. But DAMN did the last four plus weeks go fast. 

On Father’s Day I spread some of my Dad’s ashes at Slim Point. It wasn’t easy to do, but I did it alone and I am so proud of myself.

I always knew he was here with me, but now it’s like I can take a deeper breath, like the air is lighter. Like he’s happier. I’m happier. It never feels better, but being loving and gracious makes it easier to deal with. Miss you, old man.

And lastly, while I am freaking out about my year in Korea somewhat regularly, I am so excited. I am anxious for another new beginning, but it is going to be the start of something great and I’m AMPED. I should find out in the next few days where I am going and when I need to arrive. I’m sure all of you are waiting with baited breath like me. Don’t worry, I’ll keep you posted. (Get it? Posted. Post-ed. This is a blog post. No? Yes? Cool.)

It’s amazing how predictably unpredictable life can be. Just when you think you have it all figured out, here comes the curveball. No, I’m not derailing my plans to live in Korea for the next year, but I would be lying if I said that California wasn’t still calling my name.

Before heading up to Lake George for the summer I took a last minute trip
out to California for a few days. I visited some friends and grew even closer with them in the short time I was there. It made me realize that not only does LA feel like home, but I have a nice sized crew I can call on out there. It is home.

Pictures like these will never get old. Smiling, happy, craziness is our way and we wouldn’t want it any other. I’m so lucky to have such amazing friends in LA, but also in New Jersey, New York, Silver Bay and Australia. Home is wherever I’m with my people.

There’s more I want to write about California, but I don’t think it’s time yet to talk about that stuff. I came back from the west coast all smiles as usual. I will say that I left a piece of my heart there this time. I’ve longed for LA each time I’ve come home, but this time was a little more special…in several ways. I’m so grateful to all the amazing people who put me up, took me out, and told me their stories. It means more to me than you know.

But as they have each time so far, all great West Coast adventures must come to an end. At least for now. Not to worry, I will find myself back there very soon, maybe even to live.

For now, though, I am at Silver Bay on beautiful Lake George in NY’s Adirondack mountains. This place is the great equalizer in my life. It is where I come to reset my soul, if you will, and I couldn’t have come at a better time. I’ll be spending my summer on these shores, healing my heart and preparing for the next leap of faith. I’m not kidding myself, I know Korea is right around the corner and that pretty soon I’ll be on a plane bound for Asia.

I wish I could say that I’m not actually terrified, but that would be a lie and I’m not about lying. Each day Korea draws nearer I can’t help but think about all the things I’m leaving behind: Old, amazing, supportive friends; an incredible family; new friends I hope will follow me through this journey; and all the people I love both rationally and irrationally. A year goes by quickly, though, and I’m confident that whatever is meant to be will be. Just know (y’all know who you are) that I’m scared to lose you. I’m scared to leave a country, culture, language and profession I know. I’m scared for a lot of things, but part of life is being absolutely terrified and continuing forward anyway.

My next post will hopefully be less emotional, but since I’ve already gone down this path, you should all know that I love you with my whole heart and I’m excited to share this journey with you. Now, somebody please turn off the rain so I can brown up for summer!

Last week I made it through the interview process with EPIK (English Program In Korea) and I’ve been accepted into the program! I’m still unsure where I will be working, but I’ve requested Gwangju as my first choice. It’s a medium-sized city in southwest Korea that offers some great outdoor adventures and is relatively near the coast…for those hot summer beach days, of course.

Naturally I’m freaking out. Well, not all the time, but a significant amount. I’m signing a contract with the Korean government to live in a country I’ve never been to, I know little about and don’t speak the language, and I’m working at a job I’ve never done before and didn’t study. There’s plenty to actually, logistically freak out about I guess. Sometimes when I let my sense of adventure take over I start to see the incredibly difficult moments that are sure to come, and the memories that result from the best and worst moments. This is this rollercoaster I live to ride.

I’m very aware that I’m going to get frustrated. I’m going to feel culture shock like I never have before because this will be the first time I’ve spent over six months in one place outside the US. The language barrier will become a constant battleground that I will need to combat with my own Korean language study. When I’m dying for a bacon egg and cheese on a hard roll at 9am on a Sunday, I might just have to eat Kimchi. Things are going to be difficult, but not impossible. And the frustration will taper over time and give way to appreciation. I never said it would be east, but I’m really banking on this journey being worth it.

So now I’m still in New Jersey, exploring and revisiting some of my home state’s best places. On May 14 I will begin my job at Silver Bay on Lake George in New York’s Adirondack mountains. This is by far my favorite place on Earth and I’m so happy I have the opportunity to spend months here, healing my soul in the way that only the Bay can, and refocusing my energy so I can handle the craziness that’s coming in stride.

I should hear back this month about my placement. I will sign contracts, apply for my Visa, and then I will begin the neverending research on the neighborhood/city/region I’ve been placed. Updates are coming, I promise.