Last weekend thousands of people turned up to Olympic Stadium in Seoul to attend a music festival that almost didn’t happen. Ultra Music Festival (UMF) is one of the biggest touring EDM festivals in the world. They are hosted in Europe, Asia, Africa, South America and the OG event, Miami, FL. A truly global festival that was poised to make probably billions of Won was on the line because of MERS. The pandemic that is sweeping South Korea and killing people in droves.

…Oh wait, that’s not a thing. A handful of people have died, a few more have contracted the virus and a couple thousand have been placed in quarantine. Which has been broken more than once. Long live Korean stubbornness.

Anyway, Ultra did go off with only slight hiccups, including big name cancellations like Alesso and Nicky Romero. Nervo, the blonde Aussie beauties, took over one of the slots and frankly I think we were all happier as a result, so fuck ’em, you know? Other than that the only odd thing festival-goers had to endure was the sanitization and overall MERS panic when entering the stadium.

Your first steps through the gate were met by masked workers supplying a not-so-optional squirt of hand sanitizer. Then you walked through some kind of blower to sanitize the rest of you. Another zig-zag station of sanitizer and boxes of available masks ended with a thermal scan of your body to check your temperature. On a hot, humid summer day at a music festival. Effective. The final line of defense came in a quick sanitizer squirt before ticket check and a forehead temperature reading as you walk through the final gates.

Cool. At this point we are all sanitized and ready to get sweaty and rub up on each other. Until the grody squatter portapotties get covered in excrement and the tables adjacent run out of sanitizer. But that’s neither here nor there, right? Right.

The point of writing this is, of course, #MERS. The virus and its menial number of cases has caused temporary school closings, event cancellations and overall widespread panic in Korea. They’ve even quarantined camels in zoos (yes, really) to prevent the spread of the disease. Honestly, if hygiene was a thing here like it is in America and much of the Western world then this wouldn’t be an issue, but washing your hands and covering your mouth aren’t really practiced. People spit, cough, share spoons and foods, touch each other and spend more time looking in the mirror post-poo than washing their hands.

Even so, here in Korea there are many things, both in my opinion and statistically proven, more likely to kill you than the dreaded MERS. Here are 10:

1. Cars

If I’ve learned anything in Korea it’s that pedestrians are not safe. You do not have the right of way. No, not even on the sidewalk. Not in the crosswalks. Not obeying traffic laws and walking only at times you’re supposed to. Any person who’s been here longer than a few days will have many stories about near misses by speeding cars down tiny alleyways, crazy bus drivers, and many will even have stories about ending up in the hospital after an accident. Traffic accidents are the eighth leading cause of death in Korea. I personally know of one foreigner who was killed, one of my students who was hit and one friend of mine who ended up in the ICU with a shattered pelvis, all from car accidents this year. Drivers in Korea seriously don’t give a fuck that they are in a motorized killing machine and you are flesh and bone.

 

Last week I tried to explain to my adult class of colleagues in my elementary school that in America people stop for pedestrians in crosswalks. Their response, with a puzzled look, was “How do you get them to do that?” This won’t surprise any waygooks (Korean for foreigner) but it did kind of make me laugh. Unlike in Korea the police in America do more than just herd drunk old men away from the general public. They enforce traffic laws…among other things. In fairness, I can’t speak too highly about abuse of power, but that is a separate issue. Walking and driving in Korea are dangerous, mmmkay??

2. Soju

Who doesn’t love soju, amirite??? I mean, soju is CHEAP, which makes it many people’s drink of choice here in Korea. Did you know that soju, specifically Jinro Soju, is the most consumed alcohol ON THE PLANET? In 2013, Jinro Soju sold TRIPLE the amount of cases as runner-up Smirnoff, according to Drinks International. Apparently soju has topped the list effortlessly for more than a decade. Cheers to you, you cheap, cheap hangover-waiting-to-happen.

Stomach and liver cancers are the number five and number seven causes of death in Korea, respectively. Anyone whose been out anywhere in Korea has seen one or all of the following: Belligerent old men either yelling outside of a GS25 or stumbling down the sidewalk; a person who has passed out and vomited on themselves on the street or sidewalk before midnight; girls unable to stand at or walk out of a club; and breakfast (or lunch) routinely meeting people still out and drinking from the night before. If you didn’t think Koreans were big drinkers, I’ve got news for you, you’re dead wrong. Cheers, Korea. Who’s got the soju??

3. Pollution

Don’t be fooled into thinking the mask-donning Koreans are doing so simply because of MERS. They wear them often. And anyone who has ever tried to run outside in a big city knows that masks should be more than recommended. Let’s just say the air in Korea ain’t so great. It’s no Beijing, but you’ll be hard pressed to see a crystal clear blue day without the hover of smog, even in smaller cities than Seoul. Some say it’s a problem that’s improving, but others warn of heavy metal mining in China making things even worse for Koreans. Do the research yourself if you like, but breathing is just one of those things as humans we should be able to do without much trouble. The more you know.

4. Stroke

Stroke is simply the number one cause of death in Korea, accounting for over 65 deaths out of 100,000. I’m no expert, but I don’t think MERS has anything to do with this one. I don’t know how one could go about preventing it…I suppose it would depend on the kind of stroke, but I doubt closing schools and cancelling events would be helpful.

5. Smoking

Lung cancers are the third most common cause of death in Korea. Anyone who’s lived in or visited this country knows that everyone smokes. Except women. They only smoke it back alleys because it’s frowned upon for those delicate flowers to pollute their lungs. And though the government has made strides by recently (at least in Gwangju) banning and enforcing smoking indoors, you can still see people smoking everywhere. All the time. And cigarettes are cheap. Lung cancers account for over 27 deaths per 100,000.

6. Overall Neglect

Hopefully by now we’ve all heard of Sewol, a true Korean tragedy that could have been prevented. Then there are the 16 people that died at a K-Pop concert last October when a ventilation grate they were standing on collapsed. And, most recently (to my knowledge), two people fell through a sidewalk sinkhole in February.

A truly Korean phenomenon, in my opinion, is the speed with which establishments are vacated, torn down, built up and renovated. It’s not uncommon to go to a restaurant or cafe a week after your last visit to see an empty lot. That empty lot will be built up again in two weeks time, leaving everyone rolling their eyes and saying “Oh, Korea” to one another. The neglect and mismanagement of Sewol is not something to joke about, but it’s been clear in the months following the tragedy that not much has changed when it comes to regulations and routine maintenance, and more people in other places have paid with their lives. Maybe it’s time to slow down a bit, eh guys??

7. Overwork/Exhaustion

This one could be attacked from all kinds of angles. The Korean workday can easily be 14 hours long. The idea and expectation of showing face for employers and higher ups is just a normal thing here. If you think you’re getting out at 5pm, you’re wrong. It’s time for dinner, and then drinks, and then more drinks, and then sunrise when all of you just head back into the office again. You see, turning down drinks or finishing eating before someone above you is considered heinously rude. The social etiquette in Korea makes for a stressful work life.

Another way to dissect overwork is by taking a look at education in Korea. Suicide is the number six killer in Korea. Suicide. Many of these are youth suicides as a result of the extreme pressure students feel to succeed in academics and their future career. I am an elementary school teacher and even my kids can be in school until 9pm. They usually go to normal public elementary school, then to their music or Taekwondo lesson, then home for dinner, and lastly to their Hagwon (private institution) for English or some other subject before coming home and doing their homework. Then they sleep. Until the morning and they start all over again. I honestly do not know how they do it. They’re just KIDS. The pressure gets worse as they get older and some of them, not surprisingly, can’t handle it. Suicide shouldn’t be in the top 10 killers anywhere. It’s just tragic.

8. Knife-Wielding Burglars

So, Korea has some odd laws. There’s no such thing as self defense here and some of the more fucked up cases I’ve heard about are some derivative of person A being assaulted or robbed by person B and when person A defended their person or property and injured person B, person A was subject to lawsuit. There was even a video a little while back showing a man wielding a knife and attacking a woman in a store. The only other person present was another woman who bravely stood up for the first woman who was being attacked. Passersby saw what was going on and one even came inside…and did nothing. Be aware of yourself and your surroundings. Korean laws will get ya.

9. Hiking a Popular Route

Hiking in Korea is amazing. There are lots of places to go and mountains to climb. There are beautiful sights to see all over the peninsula, and then some. However, many popular routes and mountains become very crowded with touring foreigners. Koreans love to hike. And they love to spend money on multi-colored hiking gear they’ll look cool in when they meet their friends at the mountain. Koreans of all ages. And though the hiking is generally plentiful in this country, these crowded routes can get REALLY crowded. In America I’ve never had to wait minutes to continue down a path just so a herd of other people could pass me by. On a cliff’s edge you can smell your fate. And that high up, death by Ajumma shove is a lot more plausible than death by MERS.

10. Overfeeding by Ajumma

Ajummas are older women in Korea. It actually just means married, but I’ve rarely heard the word tossed around when speaking of younger married women. Anywho, Koreans, bless their hearts, love to feed you. They’re like the Italians of Asia. And here, as in many other cultures, it’s rude to refuse food. When you encounter a generous old woman be prepared to get stuffed like a Thanksgiving turkey. Now, while I would personally choose this as my way to go, I still think it’s a lot more plausible than my contracting MERS and dying hacking a lung in a crowded hospital. I choose you, Ajumma. Feed me.

 

(All death stats came from worldlifeexpectancy.com. I am in no way claiming each word in this is factually accurate. Some people are going to take this post way too seriously, and they’re probably the same people worried about MERS. Sorry I’m not sorry if I’ve offended you.)