All The Feels

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The goodbyes have already begun. And I think today I’ve already cried five times. It’s only going to get worse and I know that. I kind of feel bad for the people that will be around me for the next 23 days (HOLY SHIT 23 DAYS) because I’m going to rollercoaster through all the feels. The excitement, nervousness, sadness, anxiety, and all the different ways I can express the love I have for all I’m about to do, the support I’ve received and continue to receive, and for all the people I’m going to miss like crazy.

If I’m being honest, I’ve never left Silver Bay with dry eyes. I feel closest to my father on this campus and each time I drive away I leave a little part of me here. This time the tears are starting even earlier than I wanted them to, but I can’t (and won’t) lie about how I’m feeling. In 23 days I will be on a plane bound for Seoul. From there I’ll travel South to my orientation where I’ll be for a week+ and then I’ll settle into my apartment in Gwangju. In moments like these, where I’m happy with my friends and feeling an overwhelming sense of “home”, I question my motivation for leaving. But if I’m being really, truly honest, this amazing sense of home wouldn’t have happened without my decision to leave.

Had I not traveled to China, met amazing people, quit my job, made some really tough decisions and been brave enough to fly solo a while, I wouldn’t be at the bay right now. I wouldn’t have met these incredible people I can now call my friends, and will hopefully, one day, call my family. Yeah, ok, leaving people you love is hard. Obviously. But without moving in the direction my heart has called I would never had the chance to love these beautiful humans. With all of our imperfections and fucked up-ness. Our outbursts and mood swings. Our quirks and all the perfectly incredible flaws that fit together like a big human puzzle. The thought of this wonderful chapter of my life closing is overwhelming and almost too much to bear, but I know that I’m better off having come here, making the connections I have, and leaving with those people in my heart and mind than if I’d never come at all.

I’m going to miss the late night/early morning turnovers, the smell of Spengler, the stars at night, the spiders that are literally everywhere, my gross bug bites, night swimming (both clothed and unclothed), the fear I feel walking past Hebron and Paine Hall, the often gut-wrenching meals, the comfort of being in sweats (for my job) and without makeup everyday, and so much more. I’m going to miss breathing this Adirondack mountain air so deep that it triggers memories of my dad and I when I was younger. Fuck, man. I’m gonna miss it all. Bring on the waterworks.

Leap of Faith: The Final Countdown

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I officially have one week left of work at Silver Bay. The only comforting thing about that fact is that my whole life this place has existed, nearly unchanged. It feels just as much like home to me as the house I grew up in. I am going to be a mess when I leave here.

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If saying goodbye to the amazing friends I’ve made and developed wasn’t enough, leaving the bay means that the final countdown to Korea is on. Of course, I’m excited for a wild adventure, but I’m also terrified.

I’m scared for the decisions I’ll have to make, the unpleasant things I will inevitably see, the anxiety of living in a place where I by no means speak the language. I’m scared for the changes I will see in me, and even more scared for the changes my loved ones will see. I’m scared that some people who are so important to me now will see me to the core and decide I’m not worth the effort. I’m scared to be alone and lonely. I’m sad that I can’t even guess the next time I’ll be able to see my friends and family back here. But I think most of all I am scared to succeed.

Success is something we all strive for, but when you achieve it, that can mean something significant. What if I love working in Korea as an ESL teacher? What if I never come home? Does that mean I might never settle to one place and build a founded life?

Sure. Maybe. All of those things and more. When I’m anxious I focus on everything that could potentially happen. I need to feel prepared for what’s next–good, bad and ugly. But I’m also really excited. I’m going to develop incredible, lasting relationships. I’m going to be challenged in ways I’ve never been challenged before, and persevering will filter through me an amazing amount of pride and confidence. I’ve been in charge of my life for a number of years now, but I finally feel like I’m doing something for me, for no reason other than the fact that adventure makes me happy. It isn’t all going to be easy. The sun won’t shine every day and birds will not sing with me at my window sill. But I know, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that every powerful moment, difficult or thrilling, will be worth it.

When “adults” reminisce about college as the “best time” of their life, and kids leaving college ache for those four (or two, or 10) years back, I can’t help but laugh. I feel sorry for the adults who have not created a life for themselves that they enjoy living. College isn’t the best time of your life. Life begins when college ends. At the end of that alcohol-infused road is everything you’ve ever wanted. After school, it’s all in your hands. You have the power. Do something with it. Build the life you’ve always wanted, unapologetically and without hesitation.

I wrote in an earlier post that the most exciting (and arguably most important) part of life is being absolutely terrified and moving forward anyway. I am absolutely terrified, but I am finally free of others’ expectations and I am creating my own reality.

All the little annoyances of today will be long gone next month. And the most beautiful people in my life are going to follow me through. This is the ultimate kind of binge and purge: binging on new adventure, thrills, challenges and life choices; purging the people, ideas and habits that don’t serve me.

I’m scared to lose people I love, but that happens more often than I realize. The people that matter will be with me tomorrow, next week, next year and lifelong. Thank you all for following my journey and for taking it with me. I couldn’t have done this without the endless support of the people I love. Yes, I’m scared, but I’m ready for it all to begin. It’s time again to take a leap of faith.

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